Is it just me or
“I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn’t try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.”
I get by with a little help from my friends (Taken with instagram)
I get by with a little help from my friends
I can’t believe I actually hoped that you would be better people.
Can’t wait to never see your faces ever again, assholes.
I am wasting away
wasting away all the potential I have,
or all the potiental I will let myself believe I have,
because everything I feel now is more important.
it’s not more important,
it’s just easier to say that.
It’s easier to whine and bitch about temporary boundaries,
then take the high road and accept the difficult road ahead of me.
We all complain about temporary pains but never dream about the endless future.
That’s how it will always be.
We all need to wake the fuck up.
What.
Missing people I’ve never met
And all the places I’ve never been
Nostalgia is what keeps me up late at night
Pointless things like these are what consume me
I am lost in the whispering wind that speaks late in the night
It’s always there, you just have to listen
My lips quiver at the chance of screaming every emotion I feel
But the moment of confidence slips away quickly
Like how the summer seems to slip out of my grasp right when I get used to sleeping in
Nothing stays the same, I’m a different person every other day
Because the voices in my head are always changing
And you wonder why I keep to myself.
idek.
It’s been a long road. 3 years is a long time. Yet I’m dumbfounded because it seems like yesterday was the first day of freshman year. I’d like to say I’m the same person, hopefully with a better fashion sense and a better idea of where I’m headed??!!? But I don’t know. Maybe I have changed? But who likes admitting they have changed, they’ve changed themselves to fit in with the high school mass of carbon copies? No. Because everyone wants to believe they’re unique. I’m not quite sure where I’m at. I have the motivation to do schoolwork and practice guitar, but the motivation stops there. I have a hard time trying to really stop and think about my future. I was never one to plan ahead very far, and I’m scared to stop and evaluate everything that I want to do with my life. I’m scared that I’m just believing in something that’s not even there. I’m scared that what I desire my life to be are just fabricated images of dreams that don’t belong to me. Because dreaming things that are just ridiculous are easier to accept because i can accept them when they never come true. Fear is always on my mind, in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t know. Being scared is a daily thing for me. I get scared I’ll overlseep, scared I’ll be late for school, scared that I failed that physics quiz, (which i usually do, so maybe that one isn’t too illogical) scared that people silently judge me when I walk through the halls, scared that everyone finds me extremely annoying. Why am I so afraid of everything? Why is anyone afraid of anything? Out of all the things I wish I could change about mysel (there are many, many things) I wish I couldstop being so afraid.
I hate that I rely on other people for my own happiness. It’s such a thick flaw in the web of my insecurities that I can’t help but be trapped by it. I wish that I provided all of my own happiness. But that will probably never happen. People always say I’m such a nice person, I’m easy to talk to, I’m positive, yeah yeah. But the majority of my happiness comes from other people making me smile. I feel like that’s a good thing, but it’s also not at all. When am I going to make myself genuinely happy? What am I going to do in my lifetime that will be enough? Because I feel trapped in this town. The same things happen every weekend, I hear about the same party every monday morning, I hear the same girl lost her virginity again, and I hear the same person crashed their car because they were high as the sky. I do not fit in here. At all. Yeah, I am a generally positive person, but if you could only hear my thoughts…I mentally tear people apart. It’s not a good thing. But at least I have the decency to keep it in??? I don’t even know. Once you give me a reason to not like you, it’s hard for me to like you again. So at least I’m not judgemental. I sound like a complete bitch right now.
Moving on. I’m sorry I’ve been rambling this whole time, but you said you like when I ramble, right? This is me opening up to you. In the best way I can, in this moment in time. So take it in, please.
Where was I? Oh yes, three years. Three years probably way too long. Or way too short? I’m not quite sure. I’m confused. I’m always confused. You’ve become that person who’s just that person. Not looks, not the personality, just that person. Your soul. (Now I can hear you making a joke about not having a soul.) Who’s always there, like a cloud that’s constantly blocking the sun (on a bad day, not always) Or that person who’s there to blow the cloud away and let the sun shine through. When all is said and done, you will always live in the back of my mind. Rent free, unfortunetly. Fuck you. Jk but really.
Now, I have to be honest with you. You hurt me almost more than anyone ever has. You know that. I know you do. But I also know that you never meant to do it. You were trapped in this caccoon of self-pity that you created an imaginary life for yourself, and I know it became reality for you. Please do not refer to the negative parts of this letter, (a letter? Blog post? whatever.) Because whenever I have a mouthful to share, you usually point out the bad things I said. So bare with me for a few paragraphs.
You see, I am lost now, but I have a lot more direction than I did when I was a 14 year old girl. I was lost. Going into high school with one person I could call a true friend, and the people who I adored the most would eventually drift away (some stayed) and start over in the neighboring high school. I was extremely insecure, lost, and confused about who I was. Even more than I am now. I honestly imagined high school to be a lot easier than it is. I pictured myself with homecoming dates, a brand new group of friends, and straight A’s. (Not sure which one was the most ridiculous, they were all pretty far off.) You were one of the few things that made my life make sense. I thought I could be strong enough to carry myself and someone else. But that will never happen. Everything I put into our friendship was exhausting. I was so ridiculous, and hell, I tried so damn hard. Embarrassing, how hard I tried. How hard I wanted to be that person for you. The fact of the matter is, I wanted way too much. And finding out the truth was so hard for me, because I think everything I had become was from what we had. Finding out it was all a lie, was like finding out that I was a lie. That I wasn’t real. Like nothing was real. I still do not know what was true and what was fake. I probably never will. But a liar didn’t deserve my honest, pure self, right? I don’t think you did. I’m sorry if this hurts.
But now I know that you never meant it intentionally, and even though it will always hurt me, I know. I know it got out of control. So I hope you know that. Don’t drink to forget the pain you caused me. I am fine. So please, don’t do that.
The summer following freshman year was honestly a complete blur. I don’t remember much. Probably because I blocked it all out. I was as lost as I ever have been in my entire life. I lost my best friend to a car accident because some guy from Flint, Michigan, ran a red light and killed her and her father, high on perscription pills. I was a mere 12 year old girl. I was so lost then, but not even close to as lost as I was those three months after freshman year. All a blur.
I don’t know why I let you back in. I still don’t. But you never left my mind, not once, and I never hated you, even if I said I did. So believe that. I’m sorry this is so long, I can’t believe how long this is omg. It’s just been flowing so easily that I can’t stop. Okay sorry, back to what I was saying before. But I just believe that second chances are okay, for the most part. And I’ve given you many more than 2 chances. Because giving up on someone you believe in is just something I can’t do. That’s why I always come back. I will live for the day when I can smile at myself saying “Kristin, you were right.” Because you’re going to be happy, just wait. I know you already are, but one day, everything is going to be wonderful and you’re going to feel whole and there will be nice days when you’re just happy to be alive. I won’t let go until I stop believing in you.
4/11/12
the illusion of love
and the illusion of hope
is fading.
fading with every last breath of air I breathe.
I begin to accept the fate I have made for myself.
I will die alone.
Chivalry is dead, and I am afraid that I will not be alive to see it
come back to life.
This day and age makes it far too easy to have a relationship over a blackberry.
Soon, there won’t be any human interaction left.
We profess of love over a text message, a voicemail, a webcam.
Perhaps I’m too old fashioned,
or perhaps I’ve just figured it all out.
We will be our own downfall.
When people think they are bad-ass and they think they’re going to go places in life when they don’t work hard for anything
and they complain all the damn time but then they promote not complaining
and when they say rude things that hurt other people but they think they’re just helping out but in reality, NOBODY asked for their opinion
and when they think they are better than everyone else so they walk around saying how much they hate everyone but deep down they try so hard to impress everyone
and when they complain about a bad grade or a hard class but they don’t do anything to try to learn, they just whine.
12/8/11
I have problems. We all do. Nobody can say honestly that they are 100% happy. I don’t buy it. The problem is, we focus too much on the little things, and the things that we shouldn’t take for granted, are taken for granted every day.
12/7/11
Failed tests,
study sessions,
sober nights,
wasted fights.
Crying girls,
facebook pics,
Open house,
Closed future.
Stupid mistakes,
big decisions,
Dumb people,
good friends.
Douchebags,
weed 4 sale,
overdue books,
long-lost souls.
12/6/11
It’s like this;
I want to protect you, but I want you to make your own decisions. I want to tell you no, but I also know it’s not my place to state my opinion. I want to tell you, but I’m too afraid of getting hurt.
12/5/11
Is this even going to matter at all in the future?
12/4/11
I wish someone told me how you are before I became close with you.
Because at first, I liked you, now, I avoid you at all costs.
You’re a little immature, you don’t care that what you say is offensive, and I think you’re a little sly under the “good person” persona.
Your remarks are small, but they hurt big.
And you know it.
12/3/11
Nobody gives a fuck about you until you’re gone.
Your life doesn’t mean a thing to anyone until you’re not there to live it anymore.
